Funny Jokes

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.

--Phil Pastoret Best Blogs of 2008

Abraham Lincoln Quotes

It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt.

- Abraham Lincoln

Best Blogs of 2008

Funny Quotes - Insults

He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
- Billy Wilder

high school blogs

Funny Quotes - Insults

I would not want to put him in charge of snake control in Ireland.
- Eugene McCarthy

Tiny Voices In My Head

Funny Jokes

It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the following news item:

Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, The California Raisins, Betty Crocker, The Hostess Twinkies and Cap'n Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, his children, John and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

leap year joke

Life Quotes

Quotes About Life

So many people tiptoe through life, so carefully, to arrive, safely, at death.

- Tony Campolo

leap year jokes

Abraham Lincoln Quotes

Defense

Passion has helped us; but can do so no more. It will in future be our enemy. Reason, cold, calculating, unimpassioned reason, must furnish all the materials for our future support and defense.

Abraham Lincoln

Source: February 22, 1842 - Temperance Address of Springfield, Illinois

- Abraham Lincoln

Sayings

Peace Quotes

Quotes about Peace

Peace is not the absence of conflict but the presence of creative alternatives for responding to conflict alternatives to passive or aggressive responses, alternatives to violence.

- Dorothy Thompson

Inspirational Speakers

Science Quotes and Scientist Quotes

Science Quotes

Quotes About Science

Can science ever be immune from experiments conceived out of prejudices and stereotypes, conscious or not? (Which is not to suggest that it cannot in discrete areas identify and locate verifiable phenemonena in nature.) I await the study that says lesbians have a region of the hypothalamus that resembles straight men and I would not be surprised if, at this very moment, some scientist somewhere is studying brains of deceased Asians to see if they have an enlarged "math region" of the brain.

- Kay Diaz, Z (unidentified periodical, possibly Z Magazine), unidentified article, December 1992

I Hate Housework
Famous Quotes

Famous Quotes

Fortune never seems so blind as to those upon whom she has bestowed no favours
Famous Quotes - La Rochefoucauld

Funny Awards

Famous Quotes

Sex is not a source of pleasure, but a means of achieving it
Famous Quotes - Unknown

Famous Quotes

Famous Quotes

Jupiter has loaded us with two wallets : the one, filled with our own faults, he has placed at our backs; the other, heavy with the faults of others, he has hung before
Famous Quotes - Phaedrus

Famous Quotes

Funny Quotes - Insults

He was distinguished for ignorance; for he had only one idea and that was wrong.
- Benjamin Disraeli

Funny Quotes

Funny Jokes

Golf Game

John and Bob were two of the bitterest golf rivals at the club. Niether man trusted the others arithmetic.

One day they were playing a heated match and watching each other like hawks.

After holing out on the fourth green and marking his six on the scorecard, John asked Bob, what,d you have?

Bob went through the motions of mentally counting up. Six!" he said and then hastily corrected himself. No-a five."

Calmly John marked the scorecard, saying out loud "Eight!"

"Eight?" Bob said, "I could'nt have had eight."

John said, "Nope, you claimed six, then changed it to five. But actually you had seven."

"Then why did you mark down eight?" asked Bob.

John told him, "one stroke penalty,'for improving your LIE'."

Funny Awards

War Quotes

If theres a hole, it's a mans job to thrust into it!

- Ryoma Nagare, Getter Robo

wbaustin
East Valley

Funny Quotes - Insults

While he was not dumber than an ox he was not any smarter either.
- James Thurber

Quote of the Day
Quotes - Famous Quotes

Science Quotes and Scientist Quotes

Science Quotes

Quotes About Science

In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.

- Mark Twain

Sexist Jokes
Famous Quotes

Funny Quotes - Insults

What you said hurt me very much. I cried all the way to the bank.
- Liberace

Love Quotes
Funny Jokes

Abraham Lincoln Quotes

These capitalists generally act harmoniously and in concert, to fleece the people.

- Abraham Lincoln

Funny Jokes
Famous Sayings

Funny Jokes

Stopover

I couldn't decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. "Airfare to Denver is $300," said a cheery salesperson.

"And what about Salt Lake City?"

"We have a really great rate to Salt Lake--$99.00, but there is a stopover."

"Where?"

"In Denver." Phoenix Jobs
Funny Quotes

Peace Quotes

Quotes about Peace

As people are not eaten, butchering them is of no use.

- Arndt Pekurinen

Bookmarks
Famous Quotes

Funny Jokes

Animals in a Bar

There's these animals in a restaurant. The waiter comes over at the end of the night ...

The skunk says 'Don't look at me, I haven't got a scent'

The duck says 'Just put it on my bill'

The cow says 'You'll have to ask one of the udders'

The deer says 'I had a buck last week and I'm expecting a little doe soon'

The giraffe says 'Well, I guess the high balls are on me then'

The frog says, "I've got one greenback"

The vampire bat is thinking, "Which one can I stick for the drink today?"

The snake says, I guess I cant hold my liquor.

Another snake says: " If you think I'm paying that, you can kiss my Asp."

No, the snake said, "It's hiss turn to pay."

The Rhinocerous says: "Don't worry. When the waiter comes I'll just charge it."

The amoeba said, "I've got to split now."

The paramecium said, "I'll split it with him."

The groundhog said, "If you let me go I shadow you a favor."

The turtle said, "I shell pay next time."

The chicken said, "I hope it's cheep."

The elephant said, "But I've hardly trunk a drop."

The dachshund said, "I've got be to getting a long now."

The manx cat said, "I know you've probably heard this tail before, but I'm a little short."

The chicken said, "If feather I pay it'll be a cold day in heck."

And the snail said, "No, you shell out the same as me"!

And the trotters said "take 50 cents from two quarterhorses".

The beaver said, "Dam if I'll pay".

Ken said "See Barbie 'bout a doll, her".

The cows said "We got plenty o' mooolah".

The bumblebee said "Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzz zzzzzz zzzzz zzzzzz z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z zzzzzzz off

The zebra said, "It's black and white--I haven't the money."

They each said, "Ask some otter animal."

But the lion said, "I'll pay--I've still got my pride." Famous Quotes
Phoenix Arizona

Famous Quotes

If children grew up according to early indications, we would have nothing

but geniuses
- Goethe

wbaustin
Funny Quotes

Funny Jokes

Golf Jokes

A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing;the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked "Are you a good golfer', to which the man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?" Famous Quotes
Simon Cowell Quotes

Funny Quotes - Insults

End of season sale at the cerebral department.
- Gareth Blackstock

Quotes and Sayings

Funny Quotes - Insults

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.
- Groucho Marx

Funny Awards

Funny Quotes - Insults

Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.
- Woody Allen

Famous Quotes

Funny Jokes

Whoever thought up the word mammogram? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. Love Quotes

Funny Quotes - Insults

Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.

Teaching Spelling

Funny Quotes - Insults

Q: How many jerks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Just one. He holds the lightbulb still and lets the world revolve around him.

Teaching Spelling

Funny Jokes

How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity In The Workplace

- Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.) - Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.) - Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi." - Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. e.g. "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom." - "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this. - While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive." - Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle. - Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document. - Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes. - Insist that your e-mail address be: "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com - Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that. - Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement. - Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine. - Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. - Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN." - Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many." - Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. - For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth. - Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that." - Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. - Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark 17 inch paper, 99 copies. - In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors." - If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. - When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car wind- shield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up." - Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." - Practice making fax and modem noises. - Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss. - Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. - Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy." - Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing. - Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. - Shout random numbers while someone is counting. - Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area, and insist to others that you "like it that way." - Staple papers in the middle of the page. - Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise. - TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE. - type only in lowercase. - Dont use any punctuation either - Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." - As much as possible, skip rather than walk. - Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. - When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat. - Ask people what gender they are. - While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. - Sit in your car in the parking lot at lunch time pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. - Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles" More Funny Jokes

Abraham Lincoln Quotes

Those who deny freedom to others, deserve it not for themselves; and, under a just God, can not long retain it. The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln edited by Roy P. Basler, Volume III, Letter To Henry L. Pierce and Others (April 6, 1859), p. 376.

- Abraham Lincoln

Quotes

Famous Quotes

You can trust a person who admits his mistakes
Famous Quotes and Sayings - Unknown

Integrated Marketing Solutions

Famous Quotes

If it were not for the last minute, nothing would get done
Famous Quotes - Unknown

Sayings

Peace Quotes

Quotes about Peace

What a state we are in now. Peace has broken out.

- Napoleon

Quotes

Funny Quotes - Insults

A four-hundred-dollar suit on him would look like socks on a rooster.
- Earl Long

Spelling

Funny Quotes - Insults

The triumph of sugar over diabetes.
- George Jean Nathan

Mythical Man Month

Funny Quotes - Insults

He was a great friend of mine. Well, as much as you could be a friend of his, unless you were a fourteen-year-old nymphet.
- Truman Capote (about Faulkner)

Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes

Signs You've Grown Up....

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

Funny JokesShakespeare Quotes

Famous Quotes

A man does not know what he is saying until he knows what he is not saying
- GKChesterton

Famous Quotes

Quotes and Quotations

Quotations Quotes

Quotes About Quotations

Seneca the Younger, "On Old Age", Moral Letters to Lucilius

- Books of quotations are an elemental model of how culture is perpetuated, the wisdom of the trite passed on to posterity, to be added to, edited, and modified by subsequent generations.

Famous Quotes

Famous Quotes

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children
Famous Quotes - Mark Twain

Quotes and Sayings

Funny Jokes

Pregnant

My husband and I had been trying to have a third child for awhile. Unfortunately, the day I was to take a home pregnancy test, he was called out of town on business. I had told our young daughters about the test, and they were excited. We decided if it was positive, we would buy a baby outfit to surprise their father when he got home.

The three of us stood in the bathroom eagerly waiting for the telltale line to appear. When it did not, my thoughtful seven- year-old gave me a hug.

"It's okay, Mom," she said. "The next time Daddy goes out of town, you can try and get pregnant again."

Christmas Jokes

Funny Jokes

It's the End of the World as They Know It...

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest: 'BYE

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft's Web Site: IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.

Sun: ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE!

Quotes Funny

Dance Quotes Dancing Quotes

Dance Quotes

Quotes About Dance

Dance is advanced body language.

- Kristy Nilsson

More Dance Quotes

Joke of the Day

War Quotes

Quotes about War

We should not ask 'Why does an event like the Great War occur?' But rather, given our nature, 'Why does it not occur more often?'

- Jorge Luis Borges

Inspirational Speakers

Science Quotes and Scientist Quotes

Science Quotes

Quotes About Science

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

- Albert Einstein

Blog Awards

Abraham Lincoln Quotes

With the fearful strain that is on me night and day, if I did not laugh I should die.

- Abraham Lincoln

Blog Awards

Accuracy Quotes

The rule of accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem it always helps if you know the answer.

- John Peer

Blog Awards

Funny Quotes - Insults

His style has the desperate jauntiness of an orchestra fiddling away for dear life on a sinking ship.
- Edmund Wilson (about Evelyn Waugh)

Blog Awards

Funny Jokes

I was on duty as an emergency room technician when a father brought in his son, who had poked a tire from one of his toy trucks up his nose. The man was embarrassed, but I assured him this was something kids often do. I quickly removed the tire and they were on their way. A few minutes later, the father was back in the ER asking to talk to me in private. Mystified, I led him to an examining room. "While we were on our way home," he began, "I was looking at that little tire and wondering, how on earth did my son get this thing stuck up his nose and..." It took just a few seconds to get the tire out of Dad's nose.

Blog Awards

Funny Jokes

Blog Awards

Absurdity Quotes

The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence whatever that it is not utterly absurd.

- Bertrand Russell (English Logician and Philosopher 1872-1970)

Life Quotes

Abraham Lincoln Quotes

Reconstruction

With malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in; to bind up the nation's wounds; to care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow and his orphan - to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace, among ourselves, and with all nations.

Abraham Lincoln

Source: March 4, 1865 - Lincoln's Second Inaugural Address

- Abraham Lincoln

Funny Quotes

Famous Quotes

The best way out of a difficulty is through it
Famous Quotes - Unknown

Christmas Quotes

Famous Quotes

Let me say to you that to do nothing at all is the most difficult thing in the world, and the most intellectual
Famous Quotes - Oscar Wilde

Life Quotes

Funny Quotes - Insults

She's got such a narrow mind, when she walks fast her earrings bang together.
- John Cantu

Quotes - Famous Quotes

Funny Quotes - Insults

Why, this fellow don't know any more about politics than a pig knows about Sunday.
- Harry S Truman (about Dwight D. Eisenhower)

Christmas Quotes

Science and Scientists

Science Quotes

Quotes About Science

Great theories are expansive; failures mire us in dogmatism and tunnel vision.

- Stephen Jay Gould, Eight Little Piggies (1993), "More Light on Leaves"

Mark Twain Quotes
Wonder Ice

Life Quotes

Quotes About Life

A world without suffering is a world without life.

- Keith Azzopardi

Shakespeare Quotes
Funny Jokes

Famous Quotes

Even cowards can endure hardship; only the brave can endure suspense
- Mignon McLaughlin

Funny Quotes

Life Quotes

Quotes About Life

If you're careful enough, nothing bad or good will ever happen to you.

- Ashleigh Brilliant

Famous Quotes
Funny Jokes

Life Quotes

Quotes About Life

The special way of growing that real living things employ is exponential growth. Another way of saying this is that living things grow by local doubling.

- Richard Dawkins

Bookmarks

Funny Jokes

Signs You've Grown Up....

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. Shakespeare Quotes

Funny Jokes

ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT? (Senior Citizen Version)

Are you lonesome tonight? Does your tummy feel tight? Did you bring your mylanta and tums?

Does your memory stray, To that bright sunny day, When you had all your teeth and your gums?

Is your hairline receding? Your eyes growing dim? Hysterectomy for her, And its prostate for him.

Does your back give you pain? Do your knees predict rain? Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

Is your blood pressure up? Good cholesterol down? Are you eating your low fat cuisine?

All that oat bran and fruit, Metamucil to boot. Helps you run like a well oiled machine.

If it's football or baseball, He sure knows the score. Yes, he knows where it's at But forgets what it's for.

So your gallbladder's gone, But your gout lingers on, Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

When you're hungry, he's not, When you're cold, he is hot, Then you start that old thermostat war.

When you turn out the light, He goes left and you go right, Then you get his great symphonic snore.

He was once so romantic, So witty and smart; How did he turn out to be such A cranky old fart?

So don't take any bets, It's as good as it gets, Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

Famous Quotes

Funny Jokes

Life's Little Questions.....

Do Chinese people get hungry an hour after they eat American food?

Shouldn't all married men forget their mistakes? After all there's no sense in two people remembering the same things right?

Is the real reason women live longer then men because they don't have to live with women?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you the first time? Funny Jokes

Absence Quotes

Separation penetrates the disappearing person like a pigment and steeps him in gentle radiance.

- Walter Benjamin 1982-1940, German Critic, Philosopher

Funny Quotes

Funny Jokes

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Sexist Jokes

Funny Quotes - Insults

I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.

Mythical Man Month

Famous Quotes

Atheism is the vice of a few intelligent people
- Voltaire

Good Jokes

Famous Quotes

Civilisation is the progress towards a society of privacy
Famous Quotes - Ayn Rand

East Valley

Famous Quotes

For he who insults, he writes in sand, for he who is insulted, he gets it carved in bronze
Famous Quotes - Unknown

Famous Quotes

Accidents Quotes

I don't believe in accidents. There are only encounters in history. There are no accidents.

- Elie Wiesel 1928-, Rumanian-born American Writer

Funny Quotes

Famous Quotes

What really flatters a man is that you think him worth flattering
Famous Quotes and Sayings - Shaw

Blogging

Funny Jokes

political bumper sticker

The hottest selling new political bumper sticker comes from New York state:

"RUN HILLARY RUN"

Democrats put them on the rear bumpers.

Republicans put them on the front bumpers.

A Stumbling Fool

Funny Jokes

dating service

A woman went to a computer dating service and said she didn't care about looks, income or background. All she wanted was a man of upright character.

Then a man came in and told them the only thing he was seeking in a woman was intelligence.

The service matched them together at once because they had one thing in common -- they were both pathological liars. Famous Quotes

Funny Quotes - Insults

Alone: In bad company

I Hate Housework

Funny Quotes - Insults

I don't recognize you - I've changed a lot.
- Oscar Wilde

Quotes and Sayings

Funny Quotes - Insults

She resembles the Venus de Milo: she is very old, has no teeth, and has white spots on her yellow skin.
- Heinrich Heine

Teaching Spelling

War Quotes

Quotes about War

War is sweet to those who have never experienced it.

- Pindar

Sports

War Quotes - Truth Quotes

War Quotes

Quotes about War

In war, with its enormous friction, even the mediocre is quite an achievement.

- Helmuth Johann Ludwig von Moltke

Sexist Jokes

Famous Quotes

In God we trust, all others must pay cash
Famous Quotes - American Saying

Famous Quotes

Abraham Lincoln Quotes

The dogmas of the quiet past are inadequate to the stormy present. The occasion is piled high with difficulty, and we must rise with the occasion. As our case is new, so we must think anew and act anew.

- Abraham Lincoln

Famous Sayings

Summary of Life

Summary of Life



GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your
hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her > back. They always
catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold > a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your
hair.

7) Never hold a dust-buster and a cat at the
same time.

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a
glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under
white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you're sad is
Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet,
with a few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's
nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like
jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal
for the fibre, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is
optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the
preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else
you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same
sensation from a rocking chair that you once
got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the
answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a
lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age
comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1 -- You believe in Santa Claus.

2 -- You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3 -- You are Santa Claus.

4 -- You look like Santa Claus.


SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 17 success is . . having a driver's license.

At age 35 success is . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh.
Always remember to forget the troubles that
pass your way;

BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.
Have a wonderful day with many smiles
Take the time to live!!!
Life is short. Dance naked
And eat dessert first!

Create a life that is your work of art.