Funny Quotes - Insults

If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?
- Charles Pierce



4th of July Quotes

Funny Quotes - Insults

She was what we used to call a suicide blonde - dyed by her own hand.
- Saul Bellow



Sayings

Funny Quotes - Insults

The best part of you ran down your mother's legs.
- Jackie Gleason



30 Second Elevator Pitch

Funny Jokes - Silly Jokes

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. - W.C. Fields



Rattlesnake Season

Funny Jokes

Bereavement

A bereaved widow is at her husband's funeral. "We were married thirty- five years before he died." She said, dabbing away the tears. "Never had an argument in all those years."

"Amazing," said a woman next to her. "How did you do it?"

"I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward."

Blog Of The Day Awards

Funny Jokes

Riding a bike

Never having learned to ride a bicycle as a child, I finally decided to do it in my late twenties. My boyfriend, William, offered to teach me, and we headed to the park for my first lesson. He held on to the seat as I wobbled down a path. My self-consciousness was just beginning to disappear when I saw a father, teaching his little daughter to ride a bike, approaching. As we passed, I was mortified when William said to the dad, "They grow up so fast, don't they?"



Blog Of The Day Awards

Funny Jokes - Silly Jokes

Theres always one of my uncles who watches a boxing match with me and says "Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, Id fight him." As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old carpet salesman get hit in the face once and cry. - Larry Miller



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Funny Quotes - Insults

A sophisticated rhetorician, inebriated with the exuberance of his own verbosity.
- Benjamin Disraeli



Power Outage

Funny Quotes - Insults

He was born stupid, and greatly increased his birthright.
- Samuel Butler



Pirate Jokes
Funny Jokes Skunk

Funny Jokes

Jocks

Two star (pick your "favorite" college) football players had failed a test, and could not play football in the championship game. After a lot of begging from the coach, the teacher finally let the two take the test again. They took the test, and turned it in.

The coach and the two students watched carefully over the teacher grading the tests. She checked over the first test, then over the second test. Half way through the second test she stopped and put a great big "F" on both tests.

The coach was furious and demanded an explanation. She said that they had cheated.

"How?" the coach demanded.

The teacher showed him answer number six.

The coach looked at number six on the first test. The answer read 'I don't know.' "That proves nothing." said the coach.

So the teacher handed him the second test. The answer to number 6 read 'I don't know either.'

On Language
Hoot Owls

Funny Quotes - Insults

She's got such a narrow mind, when she walks fast her earrings bang together.
- John Cantu



The Wrong Color
Funny T Shirt Sayings Funny Sayings For T Shirts

Funny Quotes - Insults

Timid? As timid as a buzzsaw.
- George Ells (about Hedda Hopper)



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