One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
Political Humor The Photo Op
Friday, July 18, 2008
Funny Jokes
Monday, June 30, 2008
Funny Quotes - Insults
If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?
- Charles Pierce
4th of July Quotes
Funny Quotes - Insults
She was what we used to call a suicide blonde - dyed by her own hand.
- Saul Bellow
Sayings
Funny Quotes - Insults
The best part of you ran down your mother's legs.
- Jackie Gleason
30 Second Elevator Pitch
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Funny Jokes - Silly Jokes
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. - W.C. Fields
Rattlesnake Season
Funny Jokes
Bereavement
A bereaved widow is at her husband's funeral. "We were married thirty- five years before he died." She said, dabbing away the tears. "Never had an argument in all those years."
"Amazing," said a woman next to her. "How did you do it?"
"I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward."
Blog Of The Day Awards
Funny Jokes
Riding a bike
Never having learned to ride a bicycle as a child, I finally decided to do it in my late twenties. My boyfriend, William, offered to teach me, and we headed to the park for my first lesson. He held on to the seat as I wobbled down a path. My self-consciousness was just beginning to disappear when I saw a father, teaching his little daughter to ride a bike, approaching. As we passed, I was mortified when William said to the dad, "They grow up so fast, don't they?"
Blog Of The Day Awards
Funny Jokes - Silly Jokes
Theres always one of my uncles who watches a boxing match with me and says "Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, Id fight him." As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old carpet salesman get hit in the face once and cry. - Larry Miller
Funny Quotes Insults 80
Funny Quotes - Insults
A sophisticated rhetorician, inebriated with the exuberance of his own verbosity.
- Benjamin Disraeli
Power Outage
Funny Quotes - Insults
He was born stupid, and greatly increased his birthright.
- Samuel Butler
Pirate Jokes
Funny Jokes Skunk
Funny Jokes
Jocks
Two star (pick your "favorite" college) football players had failed a test, and could not play football in the championship game. After a lot of begging from the coach, the teacher finally let the two take the test again. They took the test, and turned it in.
The coach and the two students watched carefully over the teacher grading the tests. She checked over the first test, then over the second test. Half way through the second test she stopped and put a great big "F" on both tests.
The coach was furious and demanded an explanation. She said that they had cheated.
"How?" the coach demanded.
The teacher showed him answer number six.
The coach looked at number six on the first test. The answer read 'I don't know.' "That proves nothing." said the coach.
So the teacher handed him the second test. The answer to number 6 read 'I don't know either.'
On Language
Hoot Owls
Funny Quotes - Insults
She's got such a narrow mind, when she walks fast her earrings bang together.
- John Cantu
The Wrong Color
Funny T Shirt Sayings Funny Sayings For T Shirts
Funny Quotes - Insults
Timid? As timid as a buzzsaw.
- George Ells (about Hedda Hopper)
Funny Jokes 95
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Funny Jokes
Diets are for women who not only kept their girlish figure but doubled it.
A diet is when you have to go to some length to change your width.
More Funny Jokes
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Funny Jokes
Bonus
I worked as an accountant in a paper mill where my boss decided that it would improve motivation to split a bonus between the two shifts based on what percentage of the total production each one accomplished. The workers quickly realized that it was easier to sabotage the next shift than to make more paper. Co-workers put glue in locks, loosened nuts on equipment so it would fall apart, you name it. The bonus scheme was abandoned after about ten days, to avoid all-out civil war
Quotes Sayings Phrases
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Funny Quotes - Insults
Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.
- Woody Allen
Famous Quotes
Funny Jokes
Five stages of drunkenness
Stage 1 - SMART- This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING- This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH- This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF- You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone... especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and, hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE- This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you...AND...because you're still SMART, you know all the words.
Funny Jokes
Speaking In Different Tongues.....
How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages.....
English: I Love You
Spanish: Te Amo
French: Je T'aime
German: lch Liebe Dich
Japanese: Ai Shite Imasu
Italian: Ti Amo
Chinese: Wo Ai Ni
Swedish: Jag Alskar
Alabama,Arkansas. Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Idaho, Missouri, Mississippi, Montana, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky, parts of Florida: Nice Ass, Get in the truck.
Funny Jokes
Funny Jokes
You Know It's Time To Diet When....
You dance and it makes the band skip. You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live. You put mayonnaise on an aspirin. You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts. Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side." You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture. You could sell shade. Your blood type is Ragu. You need an appointment to attend an ' open house'.
Famous Quotes Central
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Funny Jokes
Marketing 101
Several friends have asked for an explanation of Marketing. Perhaps the following examples will help clear it up:
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Spam.
French Toast Recipes
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Funny Quotes - Insults
She has breasts of granite and a mind like a Gruyere cheese.
- Billy Wilder (about Marilyn Monroe)
Mashed Cauliflower
Funny Quotes - Insults
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
- Abraham Lincoln
Boomers
Friday, April 4, 2008
Funny Quotes - Insults
We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault.
- Ashleigh Brilliant
Cities
Funny Jokes
I love to read those advice columns in the newspaper. I read one this morning. It said, "Whats the worst thing a wife can get on her twenty fifth wedding anniversary?" "Morning Sickness."
Phoenix Arizona Entertainment
Funny Jokes
Some Unique Measurements for Your Amusement:
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2,000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)
52 cards: 1 decacards
3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 IV league
Quotes
Funny Quotes - Insults
He looked as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food.
- Raymond Chandler
Quotes and Sayings
Funny Jokes - Silly Jokes
The guy who shot Robert Kennedy, Sirhan Sirhan, goes up for parole every year. Once he even told the parole board that if Kennedy was alive today, he would speak in his favor and say let him go. What a tough break, you know? The one guy who would have supported him, and he shot him. - Paula Poundstone
Funny Jokes
Funny Quotes - Insults
The thing that terrifies me the most is that someone might hate me as much as I loathe you.
Quotes
Funny Jokes
The Whole Lot
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt."
The son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
Famous Quotes
Funny Jokes - Silly Jokes
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.. He said, "No hablo ingles." - Ronnie Shakes
Quotes and Sayings
Funny Jokes
LOVE
I was hospitalized for a few days, and my wife reported that my dog really missed me. "She spends the night at the front door, awaiting your return," she said.
"What an example of true love," I replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?"
"Honey," my wife answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."
Bikers Against Diabetes
Funny Quotes - Insults
Well, I think we ought to let him hang there. Let him twist slowly, slowly in the wind.
- John Ehrlichman
Bikers Against Diabetes
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Education Quotes
Education Quotes
Quotes About Education
If you are truly serious about preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract - teach him to deduct.
- Fran Lebowitz, Social Studies (1981)spelling textbooks
Absurdity Quotes
It is not in the world of ideas that life is lived. Life is lived for better or worse in life, and to a man in life, his life can be no more absurd than it can be the opposite of absurd, whatever that opposite may be.
- Archibald Macleish 1892-1982, American Poet
Christmas Recipes
Famous Quotes
A good memory is one trained to forget the trivial
- Clifton Fadiman
Watermelon Lemonade
Sayings
Famous Quotes
He who is afraid to use an "I" in his writing will never make a good writer
Famous Quotes - Lin Yutang
Carrie Chapman Catt - Woman Suffrage
Funny Jokes - The mule
Science Quotes and Scientist Quotes
Science Quotes
Quotes About Science
There is not the slightest indication that nuclear energy will ever be obtainable. It would mean that the atom would have to be shattered at will.
- Albert Einstein, 1932Chicken Recipes
Abuse Quotes
A fly may sting a stately horse and make him wince; but one is but an insect, and the other is a horse still.
- Samuel Johnson 1709-1784, British Author
Slow Cooker Recipes
Abraham Lincoln Quotes
Every man is proud of what he does well; and no man is proud of what he does not do well. With the former, his heart is in his work; and he will do twice as much of it with less fatigue. The latter performs a little imperfectly, looks at it in disgust, turns from it, and imagines himself exceedingly tired. The little he has done, comes to nothing, for want of finishing.
-- September 30, 1859 - Address before the Wisconsin State Agricultural Society
- Abraham Lincoln
Cake Recipes
Science Quotes and Scientist Quotes
Science Quotes
Quotes About Science
The Christian church, in its attitude toward science, shows the mind of a more or less enlightened man of the Thirteenth Century. It no longer believes that the earth is flat, but it is still convinced that prayer can cure after medicine fails.
- H. L. MenckenFunny Joke of the Day
War Quotes
I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
- Albert EinsteinFamous Quotes
War Quotes
You say it is the good cause that hallows even war? I tell you: it is the good war that hallows every cause.
- Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke ZarathustraFamous Quotes
Famous Quotes
Be yourself and speak your mind today, though it contradicts all you have said before
- Elbert Hubbard
Diabetic Recipes
Jokes Blog
Famous Quotes
Good luck is a lazy man's estimate of a worker's success
- Unknown
Famous People
List of Homonyms
Monday, March 31, 2008
Achievement Quotes
The sports page records people's accomplishments, the front page usually records nothing, but man's failures.
- Earl Warren 1891-1974, American Politician, Judge
Famous Quotes
Funny Quotes - Insults
He looked as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food.
- Raymond Chandler
Famous Quotes
Abraham Lincoln Quotes
God must love the common man, he made so many of them.
- Abraham Lincoln
Famous Quotes
Funny Jokes
It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the following news item:
Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, The California Raisins, Betty Crocker, The Hostess Twinkies and Cap'n Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, his children, John and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Peace Quotes
Peace Quotes
Quotes about Peace
The first peace, which is the most important, is that which comes from within the souls of men when they realize their relationship, their oneness, with the universe and all its powers, and when they realize that at the center of the universe dwells the Sacred, and that this center is really everywhere, it is within each of us. This is the real peace, and the others are but reflections of this. The second peace is that which is made between two individuals, and the third is that which is made between two nations. But above all you should understand that there can never be peace between nations until there is first known that true peace which is within the souls of men.
- Black Elk in The Sacred Pipe: Black Elk's Account of the Seven Rites of the Oglala Sioux (1953).Sayings
Abraham Lincoln Quotes
Towering genius disdains a beaten path. It seeks regions hitherto unexplored.
- Abraham Lincoln
Quotes
Funny Quotes - Insults
The cruelest thing that has happened to Lincoln since he was shot by Booth was to fall into the hands of Carl Sandburg.
- Edmund Wilson
Chicken Recipes
Funny Jokes
It's not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it's the seconds.
The best way to lose weight is by skipping ,,,, snacks and desert.
Chicken Recipes
Education Quotes
Education Quotes
Quotes About Education
The mind is not a vessel to be filled, but a fire to be kindled.
- Plutarch, On Listening to LecturesChicken Recipes
War Quotes
The struggle against war and its social source, capitalism, presupposes direct, active, unequivocal support to the oppressed colonial peoples in their struggles and wars against imperialism. A 'neutral' position is tantamount to support of imperialism.
- Leon Trotsky "Resolution on the Antiwar Congress of the London Bureau" (July 1936)Diabetic Meals
Quotes and Quotations
Quotations Quotes
Quotes About Quotations
R. G. Shemeley
- To be occasionally quoted is the only fame I hope for.Diabetic Meals
Funny Quotes - Insults
A four-hundred-dollar suit on him would look like socks on a rooster.
- Earl Long
Diabetic Recipes
Funny Quotes - Insults
What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement.
- Fred Allen
Diabetic Recipes
Life Quotes
Life Quotes
Quotes About Life
All I want from Life is to get out alive...
- Unknown
Diabetic Beef Recipes
War Quotes
War Quotes
Quotes about War
War does not decide who is right, war decides who is left.
- Bertrand RussellDiabetic Beef Recipes
Funny Quotes - Insults
Always willing to lend a helping hand to the one above him.
- F. Scott Fitzgerald (about Ernest Hemingway)
Diabetic Recipes
Funny Quotes - Insults
He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue.
- Andrew Lang
Diabetic Meals
Abraham Lincoln Quotes
Those who deny freedom to others, deserve it not for themselves; and, under a just God, can not long retain it.
-- April 6, 1859 - Letter to Henry Pierce
- Abraham Lincoln
Diabetic Beef Recipes
Education Quotes
Education Quotes
Quotes About Education
Government schooling is the most radical adventure in history. It kills the family by monopolizing the best times of childhood and by teaching disrespect for home and parents. The whole blueprint of school procedure is Egyptian, not Greek or Roman. It grows from the theological idea that human value is a scarce thing, represented symbolically by the narrow peak of a pyramid.
- John Taylor Gatto, I Quit, I Think, 2001Cabbage Soup
Funny Quotes - Insults
Q: How many jerks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one. He holds the lightbulb still and lets the world revolve around him.
Diabetic Meals
Funny Jokes
While working at Baskin-Robbins, I helped a woman, who was full of questions about the flavors and types available, pick out an ice cream cake. As I was boxing it up for her, she had one last question: "How long do I bake this?"
Diabetic Recipes
Abraham Lincoln Quotes
There is nothing true anywhere, The true is nowhere to be seen; If you say you see the true, This seeing is not the true one.
- Abraham Lincoln
Diabetic Recipes
Funny Jokes
What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an atheist? Someone who rings your doorbell for absolutely no reason at all!
Cabbage Soup
Funny Quotes - Insults
He has turned almost alarmingly blond - he's gone past platinum, he must be plutonium; his hair is coordinated with his teeth.
- Pauline Kael (about Robert Redford)
Diabetic Beef Recipes
Funny Quotes - Insults
He is mad, bad and dangerous to know.
- Lady Caroline Lamb
Diabetic Beef Recipes
Admiration Quotes
Admiration begins where acquaintance ceases
Samuel Johnson quotes (English Poet, Critic and Writer. 1709-1784)
Diabetic Recipes
Funny Jokes
Drinking
When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up on no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the following memo: To all employees; If you must drink during you lunch hours, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you're drunk than to think you're stupid.
Diabetic Recipes
Funny Jokes
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance and to turn around three times before lying down.
-Robert Benchley
Things for Moms
Abraham Lincoln Quotes
In your hands, my dissatisfied fellow-countrymen, and not in mine, is the momentous issue of civil war. The Government will not assail you. You can have no conflict without being yourselves the aggressors. You have no oath registered in heaven to destroy the Government, while I shall have the most solemn one to 'preserve, protect, and defend it'. Lincoln's First Inaugural Address, March 4, 1861.
- Abraham Lincoln
Diabetic Recipes
Funny Jokes - Silly Jokes
Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It's Irv. "So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks. 'Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day." "Oh, my god," says Sid "So that's what heaven is like?" "Oh no," says Irv. "I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park."
Diabetic Recipes
Funny Jokes
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
Diabetic Recipes
Education Quotes
Education Quotes
Quotes About Education
Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
- Oscar WildeDiabetic Meals
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Achievement Quotes
Do not be desirous of having things done quickly. Do not look at small advantages. Desire to have things done quickly prevents their being done thoroughly. Looking at small advantages prevents great affairs from being accomplished.
- Confucius BC 551-479, Chinese Ethical Teacher, Philosopher
Inspirational Quotes
Famous Quotes
They can, because they think they can
Famous Quotes and Sayings - Unknown
A Believer's Thoughts
Funny Jokes
A Day At The Beach...
Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach. The lady lobster suggested that the gentleman lobster to get them an ice cream each. Having purchased two ice cream cones, Mr. Lobster made his way back to the beach, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream. By the time he has finished the ice cream he realized that his lady friend's ice cream had started to melt all down his claw, so he licked it up and ended up eating it. When he arrived back at the beach his lady lobster friend exclaimed, "Where are the ice creams?" "Well" he said. "I decided to eat mine. Then yours melted, so I ate that too." His lady friend was incensed and cried, "How could you be so shellfish!"
Funny Quotes
Funny Jokes
Pet Diary
Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 12:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE! 4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE! 6:00 pm - OH BOY! PLAYING BALL! MY FAVORITE! 6:30 pm - OH BOY! DAD! MY FAVORITE! 9:15 pm - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 pm - OH BOY! SLEEPING IN MASTER'S BED! MY FAVORITE!
Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary
Day 183 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the furniture and the drapes.
Yesterday I feigned sleeping on third stair from the top while the lights were out. This caused a catapult of my captor down the stairs to avoid stepping on me, but unfortunately there were no injuries. Will do this every night until I get results.
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. Must try this on their bed.
Tomorrow I will eat another houseplant.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless, bloody body in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of. This should strike fear into their hearts. Instead they only cooed and condescended about what a good little mouser I was. Hmmm, next time I'll bring them a baby bird.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the suspended metal room his safety is assured, but I can wait. It is only a matter of time.
Quotationskx
Absurdity Quotes
In the consciousness of the truth he has perceived, man now sees everywhere only the awfulness or the absurdity of existence... and loathing seizes him.
- Nietzsche
Oscar Levant Quotes
Abraham Lincoln Quotes
Every man is proud of what he does well; and no man is proud of what he does not do well. With the former, his heart is in his work; and he will do twice as much of it with less fatigue. The latter performs a little imperfectly, looks at it in disgust, turns from it, and imagines himself exceedingly tired. The little he has done, comes to nothing, for want of finishing.
-- September 30, 1859 - Address before the Wisconsin State Agricultural Society
- Abraham Lincoln
Famous Quotes
Funny Quotes - Insults
She's got such a narrow mind, when she walks fast her earrings bang together.
- John Cantu
Oscar Levant Quotes
Funny Jokes
Law and Disorder...
Todd was arrested AGAIN and the detective was leafing through his crime history folder.
"Hmmm, quite a record." he said. "Shoplifting, hit-and-run, disorderly conduct, armed robbery, sexual assault, sexual assault, forgery, sexual assault, manslaughter..."
"Yeah, I know." said Todd. "It took me quite a while to figure out what I was good at."
Quotationsyfm
Life Quotes
Life Quotes
Quotes About Life
Life is like an incessant series of problems, all difficult, with brutal choices, and a time limit. The worst thing you can do is to make no choice, waiting for the ideal conclusion to present itself.
- -[Chapel the Evergreen]
Funny Jokes
Funny Quotes - Insults
He not only overflowed with learning, but stood in the slop.
- Sydney Smith
Quotes Blog
Funny Jokes - Silly Jokes
I feel sorry for people who dont drink or do drugs. Because someday theyre going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they wont know why. - Redd Foxx
Funny Quotes
Famous Quotes
If a lot of people said what they think, they'd be speechless
- Wall Street Journal
Quotes Central
Funny Jokes
aHaaaHAA!!!
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together, when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!", and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom and discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him. "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator. "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said,........ "Those little bastards!"
Weblog Awards
Funny Quotes - Insults
Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
- Ashleigh Brilliant
Famous Quotes Quote of the Day
Funny Quotes - Insults
Timid? As timid as a buzzsaw.
- George Ells (about Hedda Hopper)
Weblog For Quotes
Dance Quotes Dancing Quotes
Dance Quotes
Quotes About Dance
Life isn't choreographed. That's why I fall down a lot.
- Sacha DuncanMore Dance Quotes
Famous Quotes
Acting Quotes Actor and Actress Quotes
Without wonder and insight, acting is just a trade. With it, it becomes creation.
Bette Davis
Cotzaciones
Funny Jokes
Cell Phone
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. On my limited pension, I can't afford one. So I'm wearing my garage door opener.
Sayings
Famous Quotes
After silence that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music
- Aldous Huxley
Famous Sayings
Acting Quotes Actor and Actress Quotes
An actor onstage can no more act upon the order 'Be happy' than she can upon the order 'Do not think of a hippopotamus.'
David Mamet
Funny Quotes
Funny Jokes - Silly Jokes
The guy who shot Robert Kennedy, Sirhan Sirhan, goes up for parole every year. Once he even told the parole board that if Kennedy was alive today, he would speak in his favor and say let him go. What a tough break, you know? The one guy who would have supported him, and he shot him. - Paula Poundstone
Cotzaciones
Funny Jokes - Silly Jokes
A guy tells his psychiatrist: It was terrible. I was away on business, and I wired my wife that Id be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I dont get it. How could she do this to me?" "Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didnt get your telegram."
Inspirational Speakers
Abortion Quotes
If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
- Florynce R. Kennedy, 1973
Cypher Pundit
Abraham Lincoln Quotes
All I am, or can be, I owe to my angel mother.
- Abraham Lincoln
Quotes Central
Funny Jokes
How many church members does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.
Pentecostal: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.
Baptists: At least fifteen. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.
Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including candescent, fluorescent, three- way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish: What's a light bulb?
Famous Speeches
Funny Jokes
Giving New Life
I was interviewing a jeweler for a story I was writing on giving new life to old jewelry, and I asked him to tell me about his most memorable client.
"It was a divorced woman who had me make a pair of earrings from her inscribed wedding band," he remembered. "One earring read, 'with all,' and the other, 'my love.'
When I asked why she had wanted it done that way, she answered, 'To remind me the next time anyone says that to me, I should let in go in one ear and out the other.'"
Little Bunny Foo Foo
Famous Quotes
Advice is like snow, the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon and the deeper it sinks into the mind
- Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Boobs, Injuries, & Dr. Pepper
War Quotes
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
- Jack Handey 12/11/93Famous Blogs
Funny Quotes - Insults
I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.
satyameva jayate
Adam and Eve Quotes
That was the birth of sin. Not doing it, but KNOWING about it. Before the apple, [Adam and Eve] had shut their eyes and their minds had gone dark. Now, they peeped and pried and imagined. They watched themselves.
D. H. Lawrence, "Nathaniel Hawthorne and The Scarlet Letter," Studies in Classic American Literature, ch. 7 (1923)
Wild Wednesday
Peace Quotes
Peace Quotes
Quotes about Peace
Peace at home peace in the world.
- Mustafa Kemal AtatrkSerendipity Sunday
Science Quotes and Scientist Quotes
Science Quotes
Quotes About Science
(Upon hearing that Liberty University had dinosaur bones in its public showroom, and was claiming them to be between 3000-4500 years old) That is an absolute disgrace to education, and I strongly advise any Liberty students here now, to leave Liberty University, and enroll in a proper University
- Richard DawkinsBlog Awards
Ability Quotes
I know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestioned ability of a man to elevate his life by conscious endeavor.
Henry David Thoreau
Diabetic Recipes
Abraham Lincoln Quotes
My dream is of a place and a time where America will once again be seen as the last best hope of earth.
- Abraham Lincoln
Diabetic Recipes
Abortion Quotes
Of course abortion isn't right. But it is even less right to bring unwanted children into lifelong suffering and to strip women of their choice. Making abortion illegal is not the way to prevent it. There is a much larger picture that starts with much deeper roots.
- Unknown
Diabetic Recipes
Funny Quotes - Insults
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
- Groucho Marx
Best Blogs of 2007
Funny Jokes
What Does Love Mean???
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." ...Rebecca - age 8 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth." ...Billy - age 4 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." ...Karl - age 5
Tiny Voices In My Head
Abraham Lincoln Quotes
Those who deny freedom to others, deserve it not for themselves; and, under a just God, can not long retain it.
-- April 6, 1859 - Letter to Henry Pierce
- Abraham Lincoln
Odd News
Science Quotes and Scientist Quotes
Science Quotes
Quotes About Science
That Professor Goddard with his "chair" in Clark College and the countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution does not know the relation of action to reaction, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react to say that would be absurd. Of course, he only seems to lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
- About Robert Goddard's rocket work Unidentified New York Times editorial, 1921 Eventually retracted in New York Times, unidentified article/editorial, July 17, 1969pink truth
Funny Jokes
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.
Blog Awards
Friday, March 28, 2008
Science Quotes and Scientist Quotes
Science Quotes
Quotes About Science
Today's scientists have substituted mathematics for experiments, and they wander off through equation after equation, and eventually build a structure which has no relation to reality.
- Nikola TeslaItalian Recipes
Funny Quotes - Insults
He is brilliant - to the top of his boots.
- David Lloyd George
Italian Recipes
Life Quotes
Life Quotes
Quotes About Life
You wish that you could do something this ugly, and make it look this good.
- Blake Allen
Italian Cooking
Funny Jokes
Wackiest Warning Labels Ever
* A cartridge for a laser printer warns, "Do not eat toner."
* A household iron warns users: "Never iron clothes while they are being worn."
* A label with a hair dryer reads, "Never use hair dryer while sleeping."
* A 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow warns: "Not intended for highway use."
Italian Sauces
Dance Quotes Dancing Quotes
Dance Quotes
Quotes About Dance
Dance is your pulse, your heartbeat, your breathing. It's the rhythm of your life. Its the expression in time and movement, in happiness, joy, sadness and envy.
- Jacques D'AmboiseMore Dance Quotes
Potato Recipes
Achievement Quotes
I hope that my achievements in life shall be these -- that I will have fought for what was right and fair, that I will have risked for that which mattered, and that I will have given help to those who were in need that I will have left the earth a better place for what I've done and who I've been.
- C. Hoppe
Italian Recipes
Funny Jokes - Silly Jokes
A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. "I charge $50 for three questions," the lawyer says. "Thats awfully steep, isnt it?" the guy asks. "Yes," the lawyer replies, "Now whats your final question?"
Famous Recipes
Funny Jokes
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
Italian Food
Peace Quotes
Peace Quotes
Quotes about Peace
No matter what someone else has done, it still matters how we treat people. It matters to our humanity that we treat offenders according to standards that we recognize as just. Justice is not revenge it's deciding for a solution that is oriented towards peace, peace being the harder but more human way of reacting to injury. That is the very basis of the idea of rights.
- Judith Butler, Interview in The Believer Magazine - Issue 2Famous Recipes
Famous Quotes
I don't know who my grandfather was I am much more concerned to know what his grandson will be
- Abraham Lincoln
Italian Food
Funny Jokes - Silly Jokes
TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. - Jerry Seinfeld
Recipes Search
Funny Quotes - Insults
His voice was the most obnoxious squeak I ever was tormented with.
- Charles Lamb
Recipes Search
Funny Jokes - Silly Jokes
A man is driving his five year old to a friends house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. "Douchebag!" the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesnt make it right, and I dont ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag."
Italian Recipes
Famous Quotes
The greatest intelligence is precisely the one that suffers the most from its own limitations
Famous Quotes - Unknown
Italian Recipes
Science Quotes and Scientist Quotes
Science Quotes
Quotes About Science
(Upon hearing that Liberty University had dinosaur bones in its public showroom, and was claiming them to be between 3000-4500 years old) That is an absolute disgrace to education, and I strongly advise any Liberty students here now, to leave Liberty University, and enroll in a proper University
- Richard DawkinsFamous Recipes
Funny Jokes
Charges
An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to charge a customer: "As you are fitting his glasses, if he asks how much they cost, you say '$75.' ..."
"If his eyes don't flutter, say, 'For the frames. The lenses will be $50.'..."
"If his eyes still don't flutter, you add ... 'Each.'"
Italian Recipes
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Famous Quotes
The passion for truth is silenced by answers which have the weight of undisputed authority
Famous Quotes - Paul Tillich
Exploring Astrology
Science Quotes and Scientist Quotes
Science Quotes
Quotes About Science
Physics is like sex: Sure, it may have practical results, but that is not the reason we do it.
- Richard FeynmanBusiness Directory
Funny Quotes - Insults
She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.
- Jean Webster
Jokes
Funny Quotes - Insults
I could never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.
- Mark Twain
Jokes
Famous Quotes
Any good practical philosophy must start out with the recognition of our having body
- Lin Yutang
Dining Reviews
Life Quotes
Life Quotes
Quotes About Life
Life is like an incessant series of problems, all difficult, with brutal choices, and a time limit. The worst thing you can do is to make no choice, waiting for the ideal conclusion to present itself.
- -[Chapel the Evergreen]
CONTRIBUTORS
Funny Jokes
A fellow walked into a drugstore and headed to the back to speak with the pharmacist. "Do you have anything for hiccups?" he asked. Without warning, the pharmacist reached over and smacked the man on the shoulder. "Did that help?" he asked. "I don't know," the startled man replied. "I'll have to ask my wife. She's waiting in the car."
Funny Jokes
Funny Quotes - Insults
You are so pure in mind and heart,
In aspect, too, so mild,
I wonder that you ever could
Implant your wife with child.
- Martial
Jokes
War Quotes
War Quotes
Quotes about War
What difference does it make to the dead, the orphans and the homeless, whether the mad destruction is wrought under the name of totalitarianism or the holy name of liberty or democracy?
- Mohandas GandhiBusiness
Peace Quotes
Peace Quotes
Quotes about Peace
We will not build a peaceful world by following a negative path. It is not enough to say we must not wage war. It is necessary to love peace and sacrifice for it. We must concentrate not merely on the negative expulsion of war but on the positive affirmation of peace. We must see that peace represents a sweeter music, a cosmic melody, that is far superior to the discords of war. Somehow, we must transform the dynamics of the world power struggle from the negative nuclear arms race, which no one can win, to a positive contest to harness humanity's creative genius for the purpose of making peace and prosperity a reality for all the nations of the world. In short, we must shift the arms race into a peace race. If we have a will and determination to mount such a peace offensive, we will unlock hitherto tightly sealed doors of hope and transform our imminent cosmic elegy into a psalm of creative fulfillment.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.Arizona Boomers
Funny Jokes
Swimming
Lena entered the Sons of Norway Breaststroke Swim meet and came in last. After it was all over, she said to one of the judges, "I don't want to sound like I'm complaining but I think all of the other girls were using their arms!"
Jokes and Humor
Funny Quotes - Insults
Always willing to lend a helping hand to the one above him.
- F. Scott Fitzgerald (about Ernest Hemingway)
Funny Jokes
Achievement Quotes
The best job goes to the person who can get it done without passing the buck or coming back with excuses.
- Napoleon Hill 1883-1970, American Speaker, Motivational Writer, ''Think and Grow Rich''
Phoenix Arizona
Achievement Quotes
Disciplining yourself to do what you know is right and importance, although difficult, is the highroad to pride, self-esteem, and personal satisfaction.
- Brian Tracy American Trainer, Speaker, Author, Businessman
Boomers
Famous Quotes
Almost all our relationships begin and most of them continue as forms of mutual exploitation, a mental or physical barter, to be terminated when one or both parties run out of goods
- WHAuden
Phrases
Funny Quotes - Insults
She spends her day powdering her face till she looks like a bled pig.
- Margot Asquith
Funny Jokes
Famous Quotes
The real secret of patience is to find something else to do in the meantime
Famous Quotes - Unknown
Quotes
Funny Jokes
Top Kitchen Fixes For Computer Glitches.....
9. Bugs go well with a nice Shiraz or marinated in a vintage tequila. It may not fix the blasted computer, but after a few bottles, they'll certainly not be bothering you anymore!
8. If you receive a kernel.dll error, place affected kernel in corn oil and cook until all popping sounds have stopped.
7. Toss chips with spaghetti-wires, saute until logic fails.
6. Show the computer canned SPAM. Explain this is what happened to a pig with a glitch. The computer should straighten right up.
5. Some problems are a result of the computer overheating. Keep a few frosted memory chips and cards in the freezer for those warm days.
4. Stuff in the oven and bake at 450 degree for 30 minutes. For higher altitudes, reduce free memory by 500 MB and allow ten extra minutes.
3. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Place computer on a Silpat-lined jelly roll pan. Bake about 20 minutes, or until the DVD-ROM drawer pops open and the computer waves a tiny little white hot pad, indicating it's now willing to comply. Remove from the oven, being careful not to burn yourself on the molten plastic. Cool to room temperature. Call customer support for shipping instructions.
2. Crack open case with one sharp blow and flip the memory from one half to the other, allowing the RAM to fall into your mixing bowl while keeping the ROM in the shell.
And the #1 Kitchen Fix for Computer Glitches...
1. Cook at 11111010 degrees for 101101 minutes or until golden brown.
Jokes
Funny Jokes
We Had...
Sadie and Esther, two elderly widows, are sitting in a Catskill hotel lobby, people-watching.
"You know," says Sadie, "I've been reading this "Sex and Marriage" book and all they talk about is mutual orgasm. Mutual orgasm here, mutual orgasm there, that's all they talk about. Tell me, Esther, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"
"No," says Esther, "I think we had Allstate."
Basic Spelling Rules
Famous Quotes
The undisciplined mind is far better adapted to the confused world in which we live in today than the streamlined mind
Famous Quotes - James Thurber
Teaching Spelling Rules
Abraham Lincoln Quotes
Labor is prior to, and independent of, capital. Capital is only the fruit of labor, and could never have existed if labor had not first existed. Labor is the superior of capital, and deserves much the higher consideration.
- Abraham Lincoln
Homophone Games
Funny Jokes
SIGNS OF WEAR
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long asyou don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee. If you're under 50, this may be amusing. If you're over 50, this is probably reality
Spelling Exercises
Funny Jokes
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
Homophone Songs
Famous Quotes
Suffering is the badge of human race, not the sword
Famous Quotes - Gandhi
Perception Quotes
Abraham Lincoln Quotes
Towering genius disdains a beaten path. It seeks regions hitherto unexplored.
- Abraham Lincoln
Spelling Exercises
Funny Quotes - Insults
He writes his plays for the ages--the ages between five and twelve.
- George Nathan (about George Bernard Shaw)
Jokes
Famous Quotes
Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps for he is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what things are and what they ought to be
Famous Quotes - Hazlitt
Quotes and Phrases
Accusation Quotes
It is honourable to be accused by those who deserve to be accused.
Latin Proverb
Quotes and Phrases
Funny Quotes - Insults
Nature played a cruel trick on her by giving her a waxed mustache.
- Alan Bennett
Jokes
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Life Quotes
Life Quotes
Quotes About Life
Nearly all the best things that came to me in life have been unexpected, unplanned by me.
- Carl Sandburg
Sayings
Famous Quotes
When you say that you agree to a thing in principle you mean that you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out
Famous Quotes and Sayings - Bismarck
Quotes
Funny Quotes - Insults
She could carry off anything; and some people said that she did.
- Ada Leverson
Funny Jokes
Abraham Lincoln Quotes
Stand with anybody that stands right, stand with him while he is right and part with him when he goes wrong.
- Abraham Lincoln
Quotes
Funny Jokes
Fallen!
I recall a time when my son was about 18 months old... I had him strapped in a backpack and was rushing to catch the bus. Apparently I misstepped and fell down an entire flight of stairs, (13 to be exact). I was bruised, bleeding and I had torn my jeans... but my main concern was, naturally for my child.
My fears were alleviated though, when from behind me I heard a gleeful giggle followed by, "Again!"
Jokes
Absurdity Quotes
Absurdity. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
- Ambrose Bierce 1842-1914, American Author, Editor, Journalist, ''The Devil's Dictionary''
Quotes
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Famous Quotes
Insanity may be a sane reaction to an insane world
Famous Quotes - Ronald D Laing
Soup Recipes
Funny Quotes - Insults
"Go to hell!" or other insult direct is all the answer a snoopy question rates.
- Robert A. Heinlein, Notebooks of Lazarus
Casserole Recipes
Famous Quotes
For an idea that does not at first seem insane, there is no hope
Famous Quotes - Albert Einstein
Fruit Recipes
Funny Jokes
Three wishes
A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. Picking it up, he pulls out the cork. Sure enough, out pops a huge blue genie.
The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from my prison. In return, I will grant you three wishes."
The man says, "Perfect. I always dreamed of this, and I know exactly what I want. First, I want ten million dollars in a Swiss bank account." Suddenly, there is a flash of light, and a detailed list with Swiss Bank account numbers appears in his hand.
He continues. "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here."
There is another flash of light, and a bright red Ferrari appears right next to him.
He goes on. "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."
A final blaze of light, and he turns into a box of chocolates.
Pizza Recipes
Funny Jokes
Small Town
I hadn't fully realized how much everyone in a small town knows everyone else's business until I moved back in with my husband after a short separation. Included in my mail one day was an envelope forwarded from my prior address. Instead of affixing an official change-of-address sticker, someone in the post office simply wrote on the other side of the envelope, "She moved back."
Chicken Soup Recipes
Chocolate Recipes
Quotes and Quotations
Quotations Quotes
Quotes About Quotations
Robert Holmes
- Quotation is the highest compliment you can pay to an author.Quotations and Sayings
Funny Jokes
The problem with curbing our appetites is that most of us do it at the drive in window of McDonalds.
The most fattening thing you can put in an ice cream sundae is a spoon.
Chinese Recipes
Famous Quotes
The undisciplined mind is far better adapted to the confused world in which we live in today than the streamlined mind
Famous Quotes - James Thurber
Jokes
Funny Jokes
I like airplanes
I like airplanes because:
Airplanes usually kill you quickly, women take their time.
Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go."
Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.
Airplanes come with manuals that explain their operation and behavior.
Airplanes have strict limits on weight and balance.
Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.
Airplanes don't come with in-laws.
Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you're already flying, much less looking at.
Airplanes and pilots both arrive (and take off) at the same time.
Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.
Airplanes expect to be tied down.
Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills except in real extreme cases, and then you're happy they do (GROUND WARNING! PULL UP! PULL UP!)
However....when airplanes go quiet.....just like women, it's usually not a good sign.
Graduation Quotations
Absence Quotes
No friend to Love like a long voyage at sea.
Aphra Behn, The Rover, Part I, Act I, sc. ii (1677)
Graduation Quotations
Funny Quotes - Insults
He is as good as his word - and his word is no good.
- Seamus MacManus
Sayings
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Funny Quotes - Insults
He had a winning smile, but everything else was a loser.
- George C. Scott
Famous Quotes
Famous Quotes
If we set up a quarrel between past and present, we will find that we have lost the future
Famous Quotes - Winston Churchill
Great Quotes
Funny Jokes
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."
Cookie Recipes
Funny Jokes - Silly Jokes
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game. - Bill Dwyer
Barbecue Recipes
Famous Quotes
If children grew up according to early indications, we would have nothing but geniuses
Famous Quotes - Goethe
Chili Recipes
Funny Jokes
Pet Diary
Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 12:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE! 4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE! 6:00 pm - OH BOY! PLAYING BALL! MY FAVORITE! 6:30 pm - OH BOY! DAD! MY FAVORITE! 9:15 pm - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 pm - OH BOY! SLEEPING IN MASTER'S BED! MY FAVORITE!
Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary
Day 183 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the furniture and the drapes.
Yesterday I feigned sleeping on third stair from the top while the lights were out. This caused a catapult of my captor down the stairs to avoid stepping on me, but unfortunately there were no injuries. Will do this every night until I get results.
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. Must try this on their bed.
Tomorrow I will eat another houseplant.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless, bloody body in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of. This should strike fear into their hearts. Instead they only cooed and condescended about what a good little mouser I was. Hmmm, next time I'll bring them a baby bird.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the suspended metal room his safety is assured, but I can wait. It is only a matter of time.
Easter Quotes
Admiration Quotes
My dear, I find your blind admiration for me both flattering and disturbing.
Elim Garak, (Star Trek: DS9 Call to arms)
Easter Quotes
Funny Jokes
Close Shave
Chad went to a barber shop for a shave.
While the barber was foaming him up, Chad mentioned the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.
"I have just the thing," said the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
Chad placed the ball in his mouth and received the closest shave he had ever experienced.
After a few strokes, Chad asks in garbled speech "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," replied the barber,"Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"
Jokes for Easter
Science Quotes and Scientist Quotes
Science Quotes
Quotes About Science
It doesn't matter how beautiful your theory is, it doesn't matter how smart you are. If it doesn't agree with experiment, it's wrong
- Richard FeynmanEaster Quotes
Quotes and Quotations
Quotations Quotes
Quotes About Quotations
Variant: I quote others only the better to express myself.
- I might repeat to myself, slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound; if i can remember any of the damn things.Easter Quotes
Accuracy Quotes
Insanity is often the logic of an accurate mind overtaxed.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes
Easter Sayings
Abraham Lincoln Quotes
The things I want to know are in books; my best friend is the man who'll get me a book I ain't read.
- Abraham Lincoln
Potatoes
Funny Jokes
Designated
A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular local bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry.
The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car. After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle.
He sat in the car a good ten minutes as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.
The Patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise the man blew a 0.00! The Patrolman was dumbfounded!
"This equipment must be broken!" exclaimed the Patrolman.
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the Designated Decoy!"
Easter Quotes
Abraham Lincoln Quotes
Lawyer
If you are resolutely determined to make a lawyer of yourself, the thing is more than half done already.
Abraham Lincoln
Source: November 5, 1855 - Letter to Isham Reavis
- Abraham Lincoln
Food
Famous Quotes
Reading maketh a full man; conference a ready man; and writing an exact man
Famous Quotes - Francis Bacon
Recipes for Easter
Funny Jokes
Never drive through a small Southern town at 100mph with the local sheriff's drunken 16-year-old daughter on your lap.
Recipes
Life Quotes
Life Quotes
Quotes About Life
Reality is a term for people who refuse to see things as they can be, so that they might be, instead seeing things as they are, and lazily assuming that's how they'll always be.
- Walter White
Carnival of the Recipes
Abraham Lincoln Quotes
Principles
Important principles may and must be flexible.
Abraham Lincoln
Source: Last Public Address, Apr 11, 1865
- Abraham Lincoln
Easter Eggs
Ability Quotes
It is a great ability to be able to conceal one's ability.
Maxims by Franois Alexandre Frdric, duc de la Rochefoucauld-Liancourt
Potato Recipes
Abuse Quotes
A fly may sting a stately horse and make him wince; but one is but an insect, and the other is a horse still.
- Samuel Johnson 1709-1784, British Author
Appetizer Recipes
Funny Quotes - Insults
So boring you fall asleep halfway through her name.
- Alan Bennett
Funny Jokes
Famous Quotes
Nothing has an uglier look than reason when it is not on our side
Famous Quotes - Lord Halifax
Carnival of the Recipes
Quotes and Quotations
Quotations Quotes
Quotes About Quotations
Robert Holmes
- Quotation is the highest compliment you can pay to an author.Carnival of the Recipes
Funny Jokes
Scottish
To be told with a Scotish brogue and add gestures when telling this - don't know how it will "read".
One day this young, very large, very handsome member of the Elite Scots Black Guard comes into the local Apothecary.
He goes up to the counter, with his kilt swinging from side-to-side with each huge stride. Hung around his waist is a small leather pouch, which he places on the counter, and from it he withdraws a roll of snow-white cotton batting. As he unrolls the batting, the Apothecarian sees a neatly placed stretched out condom.
Finally the Guardsman speaks: Whoo much ta be rrrepairrrin' ma rrubberr?
The Druggist tells him an amount, at which time the skinflint Guardsman lets out a loud "Hrrumpp", neatly rolls the batting, replaces it in the pouch, pulls the draw-string tight, and STOMPS from the Apothecary, with his kilt fairly flying in the breeze.
As with all good jokes, the scene is repeated on Day #2.
On Day #3, when he opens the pouch and unrolls the batting, the Apothecarian sees a new shiny coin, and the Guardsman speaks: The Rrreggiment has authorrizzed me to purrrchase a new one!
Famous Quotes
Tact is the ability to make a person see the lightning without letting him feel the bolt
Famous Quotes - OABattista
ALL Famous Recipes
Famous Quotes
Most of the dissappointments of later life could be lightened immeasurably if we could learn early in life that what we confusedly call "happiness" is a direction and not a place
Famous Quotes - Sydney Harris
Jokes for Easter
Famous Quotes
I do not believe in a fate that falls on men however they act; but I do believe in a fate that falls on them unless they act
Famous Quotes - G Chesterton
Recipes for Easter
Funny Jokes
LOVE
I was hospitalized for a few days, and my wife reported that my dog really missed me. "She spends the night at the front door, awaiting your return," she said.
"What an example of true love," I replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?"
"Honey," my wife answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."
Recipes
Friday, March 21, 2008
Adam and Eve Quotes
Let us be thankful to Adam our benefactor. He cut us out of the 'blessing' of idleness and won for us the 'curse' of labor.
Mark Twain, Following the Equator, Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar
Recipes for Easter
Funny Jokes
I like airplanes
I like airplanes because:
Airplanes usually kill you quickly, women take their time.
Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go."
Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.
Airplanes come with manuals that explain their operation and behavior.
Airplanes have strict limits on weight and balance.
Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.
Airplanes don't come with in-laws.
Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you're already flying, much less looking at.
Airplanes and pilots both arrive (and take off) at the same time.
Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.
Airplanes expect to be tied down.
Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills except in real extreme cases, and then you're happy they do (GROUND WARNING! PULL UP! PULL UP!)
However....when airplanes go quiet.....just like women, it's usually not a good sign.
FOOD COLORING CHART
Absurdity Quotes
The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence whatever that it is not utterly absurd.
- Bertrand Russell (English Logician and Philosopher 1872-1970)
Potatoes
Famous Quotes
The best way out of a difficulty is through it
Famous Quotes - Unknown
Easter Eggs Recipes
Funny Jokes
I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease ... that's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
Easter Sayings
Science and Scientists Quotes
Science Quotes
Quotes About Science
The antagonism between science and religion, about which we hear so much, appears to me purely factitious, fabricated on the one hand by short-sighted religious people, who confound [...] theology with religion; and on the other by equally short-sighted scientific people who forget that science takes for its province only that which is susceptible of clear intellectual comprehension.
- Thomas Henry Huxley (18251895), "The Interpreters of Genesis and the Interpreters of Nature" (1885)Easter Egg Recipes
Education Quotes
Education Quotes
Quotes About Education
Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.
- Jack HandeyRecipes for Easter
Funny Jokes
Two Categories
All objects in the world can be placed into one of two categories:
1. Things that need to be fixed,
2. Things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.
Easter Quotes
Abraham Lincoln Quotes
Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them.
- Abraham Lincoln
Carnival of the Recipes
Famous Quotes
The truest test of independent judgement is being able to dislike someone who admires us, and to admire someone who dislikes us
Famous Quotes - Sydney Harris
Easter Recipes
Funny Jokes
Golf Game
John and Bob were two of the bitterest golf rivals at the club. Niether man trusted the others arithmetic.
One day they were playing a heated match and watching each other like hawks.
After holing out on the fourth green and marking his six on the scorecard, John asked Bob, what,d you have?
Bob went through the motions of mentally counting up. Six!" he said and then hastily corrected himself. No-a five."
Calmly John marked the scorecard, saying out loud "Eight!"
"Eight?" Bob said, "I could'nt have had eight."
John said, "Nope, you claimed six, then changed it to five. But actually you had seven."
"Then why did you mark down eight?" asked Bob.
John told him, "one stroke penalty,'for improving your LIE'."
ALL Famous Recipes
Academia Quotes
There is but one step from the Academy to the Fad.
- Samuel Butler 1612-1680, British Poet, Satirist
Jokes for Easter
Famous Quotes
Hypocrisy is the homage which vice pays to virtue
Famous Quotes - La Rochefoucauld
Recipes
Dance Quotes Dancing Quotes
Dance Quotes
Quotes About Dance
Almost nobody dances sober, unless they happen to be insane.
- H. P. LovecraftMore Dance Quotes
Recipes
Funny Jokes
Navajo female wisdom
A saleswoman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, she decides to stop the car and give the Navajo woman a lift.
During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.
If you're wondering what's in the bag," offered the saleswoman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband"
The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times and says, " Good trade."
Easter Sayings
Adam and Eve Quotes
The true unconscious is the well-head, the fountain of real motivity. The sex of which Adam and Eve became conscious derived from the very God who bade them be not conscious of it.
D. H. Lawrence, Psychoanalysis and the Unconscious, ch. 1 (1921)
Easter Sayings
Absence Quotes
Absence of proof is not proof of absence.
- Michael Crichton 1942-, American Writer, Novelist, Screenwriter, Director, Producer
Funny Jokes
Funny Quotes - Insults
What has a tiny brain, a big mouth, and an opinion nobody cares about? You!
- from Murphy Brown
Easter Recipe
Funny Jokes
Life's Little Questions.....
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off of the table you always manage to knock something else over?
Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed? (Love this one)
In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?
FOOD COLORING CHART
Peace Quotes
Peace Quotes
Quotes about Peace
We look forward to the time when the Power of Love will replace the Love of Power. Then will our world know the blessings of peace.
- William GladstoneEaster Recipes
Achievement Quotes
We live in deeds, not years: In thoughts not breaths; In feelings, not in figures on a dial. We should count time by heart throbs. He most lives Who thinks most, feels the noblest, acts the best.
- David Bailey 1938-, British Photographer
Potatoes
Funny Quotes - Insults
In her last days, she resembled a spoiled pear.
- Gore Vidal (about Gertrude Stein)
Easter Recipes
Abraham Lincoln Quotes
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
- Abraham Lincoln
Potato Recipes
Funny Quotes - Insults
She's the sort of woman who lives for others - you can tell the others by their hunted expression.
- C. S. Lewis
Easter Sayings
Acting Quotes Actor and Actress Quotes
An actor's a guy, who if you ain't talking about him, ain't listening.
Marlon Brando, The Observer (1956)
Easter Recipe
War Quotes
If soldiers were to begin to think, not one of them would remain in the army.
- Frederick the GreatEaster Recipe
Funny Jokes
Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard. -Dave Barry
Quotes and Sayings
War Quotes
A nice war is a war where everybody who is heroic is a hero, and everybody more or less is a hero in a nice war. Now this war [World War II] is not at all a nice war.
- Gertrude SteinQuotes
Famous Quotes
Physical bravery is an animal instinct; moral bravery is a much higher and truer courage
Famous Quotes - Wendell Phillips
Italian Recipes
Funny Jokes
He who knows not and knows he knows not is a wise man. He who knows not and knows not he knows not is a fool.
Appetizer Recipes
Abraham Lincoln Quotes
Upon the subject of education, not presuming to dictate any plan or system respecting it, I can only say that I view it as the most important subject which we as a people can be engaged in.
-- March 9, 1832 - First Political Announcement
- Abraham Lincoln
Cake Recipes
Famous Quotes
If you have never been amazed by the very fact that you exist, you are squandering the greatest fact of all
- J F K
Bread Recipes
Life Quotes
Life Quotes
Quotes About Life
Sometimes, dead is bettah
- Jud Crandall, Pet Sematary, by Stephen King
Recipes
Abraham Lincoln Quotes
Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm.
- Abraham Lincoln
Carnival of the Recipes
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Funny Jokes
At the Pearly Gates
St Peter becomes aware of a man standing outside the Gates of Heaven, pacing up and down. "Excuse me, can I help you?" he asks.
"No, it's alright. Won't be long." And he distractedly looks at his watch, shrugs and paces on.
St Peter gives it another 5 minutes and asks again.
The man stops and says, "Look, you know I'm dead. I know I'm dead. Will someone please tell the cardiac arrest team?"
Apple Recipes
Education Quotes
Education Quotes
Quotes About Education
Ever wondered why we go to school? Besides getting a so called education, it's not so most of you stupid fucks but for those who think a little, more and deeper you should realise it: it's societies' way of turning all young people into good little robots and factory workers, that's why we sit on desks in rows and go by bell schedules, to get prepared for the real world, cause "that's what it's like" well god damnit NO IT ISN'T! One thing that separates us from other animals is the fact that we can carry on actual thought. So why don't we? People go on day by day routine shit, why can't we learn in school how we want to, why can't we sit on desks and on shelves and put our feet up and relax while we learn? Cause that's not what the "real" world is like.
- Eric Harris, shooter at the Columbine High School massacre, in his journal. [1]Barbeque Recipes
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