Diets are for women who not only kept their girlish figure but doubled it.
A diet is when you have to go to some length to change your width.
More Funny Jokes
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Funny Jokes
Bonus
I worked as an accountant in a paper mill where my boss decided that it would improve motivation to split a bonus between the two shifts based on what percentage of the total production each one accomplished. The workers quickly realized that it was easier to sabotage the next shift than to make more paper. Co-workers put glue in locks, loosened nuts on equipment so it would fall apart, you name it. The bonus scheme was abandoned after about ten days, to avoid all-out civil war
Quotes Sayings Phrases
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Funny Quotes - Insults
Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.
- Woody Allen
Famous Quotes
Funny Jokes
Five stages of drunkenness
Stage 1 - SMART- This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING- This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH- This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF- You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone... especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and, hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE- This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you...AND...because you're still SMART, you know all the words.
Funny Jokes
Speaking In Different Tongues.....
How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages.....
English: I Love You
Spanish: Te Amo
French: Je T'aime
German: lch Liebe Dich
Japanese: Ai Shite Imasu
Italian: Ti Amo
Chinese: Wo Ai Ni
Swedish: Jag Alskar
Alabama,Arkansas. Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Idaho, Missouri, Mississippi, Montana, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky, parts of Florida: Nice Ass, Get in the truck.
Funny Jokes
Funny Jokes
You Know It's Time To Diet When....
You dance and it makes the band skip. You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live. You put mayonnaise on an aspirin. You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts. Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side." You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture. You could sell shade. Your blood type is Ragu. You need an appointment to attend an ' open house'.
Famous Quotes Central
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